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It's
good to love someone, even if they don't feel the same. The reason is
that it's very important to love yourself. It's necessary to survival.
but it's hard to do so, in concrete ways. How exactly does one show love
for oneself? Is it through the constant appeasement of the appetites?
Is it through the consciential policing of desires so that one does not
indulge in excess and grow fat and lazy in the process?
The advice my mother frequently gave as a child is, "respect yourself."
And by it she meant, do the work expected of you. Do not wait until you
are in danger of failing before you begin. Or, take pride in your work.
It is where your sense of worth most stems, and it is how you will create
yourself. This is good advice, because it is practical. Love yourself
by making work you can be proud of. Straightforward, right? But those
so called pundits who say "love yourself" without explaining
what they mean are but parrots who speak without thinking.
One way to love yourself, then, is to do good work. But for me, the way
to love is to love another. And the way to love another is to be always
kind and considerate to their concerns. This does not mean kowtowing to
their every whim, but to listening to their worries and speaking from
the heart. If you do not know how to respond, be silent. If some word
is expected of you, say the truth. Say, "I am thinking. this situation
is novel to me and my mind is still wrapping itself around it. but i am
listening, and i am paying attention."
It is easy to show love in other ways. Giving genuine praise or heartfelt
presents is not the work of a flatterer only. It is not something to disparage.
The greatest thing anyone can give you is something that is of theirs,
something they made especially for you.
Even if you don't like someone, accept their gifts. No matter how much
you dislike them, or how bad their presents are, they have lent part of
their thoughts to you. do not think that just because you disagree with
their views, that you do not deserve what they give you. It is true, receiving
takes some sort of vulnerability. It is because you are admitting that
there is something that the other has that you need or want. But sometimes
the only message we want to give to someone is that there is nothing they
can offer that will satisfy us. we do this because we think they do not
deserve our friendship.
I have been ungrateful before, and although I took the present I did it
out of obligation and uneasiness. The person knew I did not want the present,
and we both felt that the occasion of gift giving was a sham. This is
the most awkward thing! What it amounts to is a disavowal of kindness,
of love. It's like you're saying, "I dont deserve this love/kindness."
or, "You don't deserve to love me/ be kind to me."
Graciousness is that what you would do in a situation where the giftgiver
is a person you dont particularly feel affectionate towards, or the gift
is not something you particularly like. giving has its own cost too, more
than the cost of the present. Giving is putting yourself in danger of
being rejected, if the person does not accept the gift. Graciousness is
not seeing the giver, or the present, but only the act. It is not judging
the worth of the present, or the standing of the person, only of how much
it cost the other person to give to you. and once you start seeing giving
in this way, then every present, every gift offered to you is something
you will open yourself to. Every act of giving and receiving is an act
of love.[B]
CHRISTINE BALMES
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