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In
the years since swinging his way off the top of the exploding Nakatomi
Tower and into our collective consciousness, Mr. Willis has been building
up a roster of films that all feature numbers in the title. A reorganized
select filmography should more than illustrate my point:
Loaded Weapon 1 (1993)
Die Hard 2 (1990)
Look Who’s Talking Too (1990)
Die Hard 3 (aka With a Vengeance) (1995)
Four Rooms (1995)
Die Hard 4.0 (international title) (2007)
The Fifth Element (1997)
The Sixth Sense (1999)
Lucky Number Slevin (2006)
The Whole Nine Yards (2000)
The Whole Ten Yards (2004)
Twelve Monkeys (1995)
Ocean’s Twelve (2004)
16 Blocks (2006)
Now I am far from the first person to make this observation.
In fact, during a press conference for his most recent “number movie,”
“16 Blocks,” Devin Faraci of CHUD
reported that the question was lobbed at the actor directly, to which
Bruce responded:
“It's getting sickening, isn't it? It's just a coincidence. It's
just a coincidence. I dunno. It's easier for people to remember the names
I guess. You asking me about numerology? I don't believe any of that shit.
I mean maybe, who knows? Here's what I believe. I believe there are a
lot of things in the world that happen that are inexplicable but still
happen. And I accept that, and that to me is part of what I call God.
So — but God is also this snow, and God is also the little buds
that come out on the trees, little babies that get born. That's my God.
But organized religion you can set on fire.”
Hear that, organized religion? Do NOT piss John McClane off.
There is still something that is getting to me, though… if a possibility
exists that there is indeed a pattern here, that Bruce Willis really does
intend to complete the “number cycle” as it were, then there
are only 5 digits left between 1 and 16:
8, 11, 13, 14, 15
A lot of you may not know this, but Hollywood is a dog-eat-dog
world. When you’re an aspiring screenwriter like I am you have to
take every opportunity that comes your way. So, I have taken the liberty
of creating five pitches for Bruce that could all be used to fill in the
five remaining gaps in his number cycle. I have covered my bases by making
each pitch in a different genre, each with a unique visionary director
suggested.
“Se7en 2: Ha8 Crimes” (director- David Fincher)
A sequel to Fincher’s 1995 box-office smash “Se7en,”
and like its predecessor uses clever typography to integrate a number
into the title as an artistic flourish. The story would focus on Mor gan
Freeman’s William Somerset character coming out of retirement to
investigate a new set of murders being perpetrated to resemble each of
the Seven Deadly Sins.
Here’s the catch: a survey crew making plans to
install a state-of-the-art rumpus room in the lower depths of the Vatican
accidentally unearths an ancient parchment which tells of an Eighth Deadly
Sin left out of The Bible. The sin is “odisse,” which is Latin
for “hate.” Capitalizing on this new discovery, a psychopath
uses different people’s hatred to make them enact the Seven Deadly
Sins. Bruce Willis would play the rough-around-the-edges detective who
resents being partnered with the aging Somerset, and his own hatred eventually
comes to bear and affects his ability to solve the case.
Stand-Out Scene: The killer sends a fake invite to a
skinhead for an Aryan Nations lodge meeting, and when the skinhead shows
up it turns out to be a Bat Mitzvah. Violent wrath ensues.
Stand-Out Bruce Dialogue: “You made me shoot my wife, you
sick fuck!”
Tagline: “8 Sins, 8 Ways 2 Die”
“The 11th Floor” (director- Adrian Lyne)
Lyne, the director of “Fatal Attraction,” “Indecent
Proposal,” and “Unfaithful” brings us yet another highly
charged erotic thriller. In this one Bruce Willis plays an unwitting pawn
in a sensual woman’s dangerous game of chess. He is first put into
play when he arrives at a luxury hotel in Fiji, having just spent the
last five years of his life in prison. When he gets to his room on the
11th floor of the resort, a naked woman is waiting for him on the bed.
Here’s the catch: When he wakes up after they make
love his arms are shackled to the bed frame and there is a grenade placed
next to his genitals with the pin looped around his member. If he gets
an erection it will pull the pin and… boom.
Stand-Out Scene: Bruce cries out in agony as the mysterious
woman plays him one Hustler Barely Legal video after another, culminating
in “Hot Tub Asians 5.” Can he keep “little Bruce”
from standing at attention?
Stand-Out Bruce Dialogue: “Why are you doing this?
I never said I wanted a whack job from a whackjob!”
Tagline: “She’ll blow you… up!”
“Starship 13” (director- John McTiernan)
This unique, original sci-fi vehicle casts Willis in a role unlike any
he’s ever played before. He stars as John McSpace, a New York Cop
in the year 2183 who’s arrived on the futuristic floating office
space-station of the title. He’s there to meet up with the wife
he hasn’t seen in 6 months since she decided to leave him for a
high level job with the Fujikami Space Corporation. During the annual
Christmas celebration at the office, a group of ruthless space terrorists
hold everyone at the corporation hostage.
Here’s the catch: Willis uses his streetcop skills
and streetwise attitude to take out the terrorists one by one. His only
link to the outside is a rotund space cop who he communicates with on
a tricorder.
Stand-Out Scene: McTiernan (“Die Hard,” “Die
Hard With A Vengeance”) stages a pulse-pounding action climax where
Bruce, wearing a wifebeater and a space-helmet, jumps off the roof of
the space-station to escape a massive explosion. Due to the lack of gravity,
his leap appears to be in slow-motion, but it’s not.
Stand-Out Bruce Dialogue: “Yippee-ki-yay motherspacefucker!”
Tagline: “The Most Original Thrill-Ride of the
Summer!”
“Forteen” (director- Steven Spielberg)
Loosely based on the experiences of British Army officer Freddie Spencer
Chapman during World War II, as documented in his book The Jungle
is Neutral. The film tells the story of George “America”
Smith (Bruce Willis), a US Army officer who practically reinvents jungle
warfare by leading a team of roughneck soldiers into Malaya in 1942. After
destroying several strategic bridges and trains, Smith and his grunts
run out of supplies and retreat into the Malayan jungle with the help
of Communist Guerrilla forces. Eventually Japanese attacks dwindle the
team down to fourteen American and Chinese soldiers.
Here’s the catch: The fourteen remaining men, including
a fourteen year-old boy separated from his parents, build a giant fortress
out of trees and whatever else is available in the jungle. Once the fort
is built, they have to defend themselves against not only Japanese forces,
but also man-eating tigers and, in a gripping climax, a spaceship full
of hostile aliens. The story has all the elements that Spielberg knows
best: World War II, Americana, heroism, suspense, dangerous animals, Martians,
and child abandonment.
Stand-Out Scene: A startling moment when a CGI Martian
eats a CGI Chinese soldier, and immediately afterward a giant CGI tiger
emerges from the bushes and eats the Martian. It’s all shot from
the tiger’s point-of-view, with John Williams’ thrilling score
building throughout.
Stand-Out Bruce Dialogue: “This is not your war,
kid, it belongs to all of us.”
Tagline: “It wasn’t their war, it belonged
to all of us.”
“Happy Birthday Sweet Fifteen” (director- Garry
Marshall)
In this alternately sweet and heartbreaking dramedy, Bruce plays the estranged
father of a precocious 14-year-old girl named Chastity. The girl is obsessed
with turning “sweet sixteen”, and spends all her time fantasizing
about the party: what she’ll wear, what music she’ll play,
making lists of fantasy celebrities she’ll invite, and getting to
dance with Brad, the guy at school she has a crush on. When it’s
discovered that Chastity is suffering from Acute Terminal Ileitis, an
offshoot of Crohn’s Disease, she is told she is not going to live
to see her sixteenth birthday. Guilt ridden after years of neglect, Bruce
becomes determined to reconnect with his daughter and decides the best
way to do this is by making all her dreams for a “sweet sixteen
party” come true… one year early.
Here’s the catch: Bruce plays a really macho action
movie star who in planning his daughter’s party has to do all sorts
of girly things like going through dress catalogues and making decorations.
He also has to find a way to help Chastity talk to Brad so she can get
him to come to her party. Director Marshall (Beaches, Princess Diaries,
Raising Helen) uses his adept skill at balancing comedy and tragedy to
great effect.
Stand-Out Scene: Bruce cries tears of joy at the “sweet
fifteen” party when Chastity abandons her crutches for the first
time in several harrowing months to boogie down with Brad as celebrity
guest-star Lindsay Lohan sings Donna Summer’s “Last Dance”.
Stand-Out Bruce Dialogue: “My daughter’s intestines
may be failing, but her heart still works.”
Tagline: “Can a dead-beat dad deal with his daughter’s
death with dignity?”
So there you have it. Five movie ideas, five potential blockbusters. Bruce,
if you’re reading this I want you to know that all these ideas are
yours for the taking, and I also want you to know that I am deeply, deeply
sorry. [B]
MAX EVRY
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Bruce Willis postering
by themost-sensiblename
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